One Year

It’s amazing how a person can change so much in such a short time.

This time last year, my mother was in ICU and we didn’t know if she would live or die. We’re coming up on the anniversary of her death (March 5th) and while I was dreading that day, I didn’t know the 2 weeks prior would be this hard. The only way I can describe it is that it’s almost like losing her all over again. Only this time I KNOW there’s no chance in hell she’s coming back to us.

I’ve been told I’ve changed. I know this, but I don’t know how to get the “old” me back. I’ve been told I’ve become a “hard person”. I realize this, but I don’t know how to change. I know everyone deals with death differently and I thought I was just dealing in my own way. Maybe I am, I don’t know, but I do know there are times that I really don’t want to “deal” with it at all. It hurts too much. It’s like, every time I think about her I have to shut that thought down and think of something else…something that doesn’t hurt. Then I feel guilty for not even wanting to think about my mother. It’s a never ending cycle.

Does that mean I’m having to force myself out of bed, mope around the house and just not “living”? No.

It just means I’m still finding my way and it’s a loooooooooooooong, rocky, winding road.